Posts in Category: Spring 2003

Academy Awards Predictions

I really am not a big fan of the Academy Awards. I just sorta stopped caring. I blame my pretentious film-school attitude adjustment. Also, it doesn’t help that they honor such shitty and overrated movies.

But I got a call last night. Late last night. Way too late last night. From an old and dear friend from high school, who wanted to shoot the shit for some reason. More details on that later (although probably not), but we spent the bulk of the conversation disgusting the horror that are the Oscars. So I gave her my educated* picks for the “big categories,” and so without further ado, here they are.

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My Maserati Does 185

[I don’t really understand people who don’t fear death with every fiber of their being. Death is not all sunshine and roses and clouds and noncorporeality. Death is death. It’s not something to look forward to. It’s not something to be excited about. It is something to be feared. It means you aren’t alive anymore, and I don’t know about you, but I think being not alive is a bad thing.

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“You think the ancient Romans were smart? Look at how dumb their numbers were. One theory of why they declined and fell is that their plumbing was lead. The root of our word plumbing is plumbum, the Latin word for ‘lead.’ Lead poisoning makes people stupid and lazy.

“What’s your excuse?”—Kurt Vonnegut

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Douglas Adams

“‘If I asked you where the hell we were,’ said Arthur weakly, ‘would I regret it?’

“Ford stood up. ‘We’re safe,’ he said.

“‘Oh good,’ said Arthur.

“‘We’re in a small galley cabin,’ said Ford, ‘in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.’

“‘Ah,’ said Arthur, ‘this is obviously some strange usage of the word safe that I wasn’t previously aware of.'”
—Douglas Adams

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My new homepage is up at long last. Check it out, and then feel sorry enough for me to e-mail me money.

I burned my mouth on some hot coffee Thursday. My entire tongue and hard palate have stung like fucking bitches since, but when I woke up today, the pain had pretty much subsided. Now it only hurts—and not much—when I eat.

Note to readers: when you take a gulp full of hot coffee, do not keep it in your mouth and attempt to swallow it. That only makes things worse. What you should do, no matter the social circumstances, is SPIT IT THE FUCK OUT. Heed my advice.

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My Movie Reviews

A few people have been asking me—which is to say, one person just asked me—why I review so few new movies, since I’ve hesitantly admitted to seeing many of the recent releases. So here I am with my answer: because I don’t.

More specifically, it comes down to what I have to say about a movie. I find that in a lot of cases—as with Daredevil, The Two Towers, and About Schmidt—I have little to say beyond “I liked it.” Of course, I can get long-winded about it, but what’s the point? I read what a lot of critics say, and unless I’m saying something overwhelmingly different, I won’t write up a review. It’s pointless.

The same goes for movies I don’t like. I hated Chicago and Star Trek: Rollerball, but any “in-depth analysis” I’d provide would be little more than cheesy flames, and if I wanted to write cheesy flames, I’d spend more time on the comments section of Slashdot.

So, that’s the rule: if I have something that I think is interesting to say, or if I have something interesting to say that hasn’t been said, I’ll write it down. If not, there’s no point, so I won’t.

There, happy now? Good. Now fuck off.

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