The four-part Chaser saga, as reenacted by the Fanta Shokata Community Players!
Part One: I be into everything!
Part Two: J’accuse!
Part Three: Goodbye!
Part Four: The Final Confrontation
1. What housekeeping chore(s) do you hate doing the most?
Taking out the garbage.
2. Are there any that you like or don’t mind doing?
Not that I like. According to my pal Gina, I’m a neat-freak who isn’t aware of it. I constantly refer to my bedroom/car as “a mess,” and she tells me that both are spotless. Either she’s crazy, or I am. I vote I am.
3. Do you have a routine throughout the week or just clean as it’s needed?
As it’s needed.
4. Do you have any odd cleaning/housekeeping quirks or rules?
I dust incessantly. That’s the closest thing to a routine that I have.
5. What was the last thing you cleaned?
The windshield on my car. It still looks disgusting, but hey, I tried.
This afternoon, I was sitting in my office, strumming my guitar, and I felt like my shorts were riding up strangely. I couldn’t figure out what the problem was, so, like anybody, I grabbed at them to pull them back down. There was a slight, strange bulge. What I was feeling was not my shorts.
Then, I felt a prick.
I was touching a bee.
It stung me.
I immediately shrieked like a woman and ran across the house, shouting incoherently about a bee stinging me. It took me a few seconds to realize that pain was blasting through the middle finger of my right hand. A surprising amount of pain, all things considered. I’ve never had a bee sting before, and I had been given the impression that, yeah, they suck, but they don’t hurt all that much.
This impression was inaccurate.
I tried several bizarre home-remedy tricks to solving the bee sting crisis: baking soda mixed with water applied to the afflicted area, followed by allowing liquefied aspirin to absorb into the skin around the sting. Neither worked, so I iced it up for a good three hours or so. It still hurts, though not as badly. It’s mostly just annoying the piss out of me, and I have to type with one hand.
One good thing has come of this: I’ve always been afraid that I’m allergic to bee stings. I don’t really know, since I’ve never been stung, and one could argue that if I did get stung and was allergic, I would probably not be around to tell this story at the moment. So, I guess that’s good to know. I will add this to the very short list of things in nature that won’t make me die.
I got stung by a bee the other day, and there’s a pretty simple reason why: we have a honeybee problem.
That’s right, Casa de Stan has been infested with honeybees who have taken it upon themselves to congregate around the bushes near my office. There are some minor cracks around there, which is more than likely how a honeybee made it under the house, through an air duct (or possibly through the hole in the floor we ran Ethernet cables through), and into the office to caress my inner thigh and then sting my hand.
After a brief family meeting, we came to a unanimous conclusion: the honeybees must die.
Wow, I finally got my films online.
Abuse: The Movie — I was not so impressed with this one. What set out to be a parody/satire of the really shitty experimental films I’ve seen lost most of its edge when a couple of extremely important shots didn’t come out and the narration ran too long. Now it looks and sounds just like a regular really shitty experimental film.
Oh well. My professor thought it was funny.
The Love Switch — I really liked the way this one came out, and it’s one of the few things I’ve done at Columbia that I’m even remotely proud of.
I apologize in advance for the poor quality. I dubbed it from VHS using the Dazzle DV-Bridge, which would really be a neat thing if my VCR didn’t suck ass. Needless to say, there’s lots of analog hum, audio clipping, and random blurbies on the video. But, hey, it’s the best I could do.
In working on this novel, for about the past four weeks or so, I’ve been channeling the me that existed way back in junior high, much like Zack Morris did during those very special episodes of Saved by the Bell that featured Ms. Bliss, portrayed by Hayley “I’m still really hot despite reaching middle-age” Mills. I’ve come to one definite and probably obvious conclusion: I was completely and utterly obsessed with sex and drugs.
1. Is the name you have now the same name that’s on your birth certificate? If not, what’s changed?
2. If you could change your name (first, middle and/or last), what would it be?
I wouldn’t change my name.
3. Why were you named what you were? (Is there a story behind it? Who specifically was responsible for naming you?)
They had to call me something. I don’t recall there being any sort of story about it.
4. Are there any names you really hate or love? What are they and why?
Honestly, I don’t put a whole lot of stock in names. Names are names; unless you’re writing a book and are one of those irritating authors who names characters becaue it means something very deep and interesting about the character, our names don’t mean shit (to steal from Quentin Tarantino).
5. Is the analysis of your name at kabalarians.com accurate? How or how isn’t it?
I think it’s overwhelmingly accurate, but a cursory investigation of the site reveals that they have about six different name profiles that they seem to almost randomly assign to the names. This leads me to think that, while it may seem accurate for me, that’s pretty much a fluke.
1. Who is your favorite singer/musician? Why?
Juliana Hatfield. In the immortal words of vende††a, “This Juliana Hatfield music makes me want to paint the face of my best friend, braid her hair and gossip about the cute boys in town, no wonder stan loves it.” Makes sense to me.
2. What one singer/musician can you not stand? Why?
So many to choose from…so many reasons for hate…
3. If your favorite singer wasn’t in the music business, do you think you would still like him/her as a person?
Yes, she’s incredibly pleasant to be around.
4. Have you been to any concerts? If yes, who put on the best show?
I’d say the Juliana show I went to last year was the least unpleasant, which is probably because I like her best.
5. What are your thoughts on downloading free music online vs. purchasing albums? Do you feel the RIAA is right in its pursuit to stop people from dowloading free music?
The RIAA’s alienating music fans, definitely. A few years ago, the big defense for pro-Napster users was that they only downloaded to sample music. If the music was good, they’d go and buy the album. That was and is still the way I do things, but I’ve become the minority. The RIAA’s horrible PR nightmare of a fight to prevent the horrible piracy of music has ruined them moreso than if they had just ignored Napster and the other peer-to-peer programs.
|Your Ultimate Purity Score Is…|
When I think about you – or anyone – I touch myself
Has yet to see self in mirror
I got needs, baby, you gotta unnastan’!
Knows the other body type like a map
|You are 63.94% pure
Average Score: 72.5%
I spent most of this weekend at the movies with Gina. Here are my thoughts on the four movies we saw.
Matchstick Men—Good, but not nearly as good as I thought it would be. I thought the book was tremendous, but the movie lacked a lot of what I liked about the book. Oh well. I’d still recommend it, but I’d recommend the book first. (Also, it isn’t just “OMG BOOK SI BETTAR” snobbery. Gina, who hasn’t read the book, agreed with the various problems I had with the movie.)
Anything Else—I thought it was really funny, although at times it seemed a bit like Woody Allen was trying to remake Annie Hall. Christina Ricci was not as irritating as she seemed in the trailer. Allen’s wit is as sharp as ever—I just wish he’d used it in his last two movies, which were sort of tedious and humor-free.
American Splendor—One of the best movies I’ve ever seen. It’s not Manhattan, the movie by which all others should be measured in terms of overall quality, but it comes pretty damn close.
Lost in Translation—I thought it’d be funnier, but if it had been funnier, it wouldn’t have been as good. I’m pretty much echoing what every other critic on the planet is saying, but it’s nice to see a movie that isn’t designed for people with ADD. It’s also nice to see a movie where a man and a woman can have a complex and meaningful relationship without them leaping into bed together. Mostly, it’s just nice to see movies where characters drive the plot.