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Stan McKagan Proposes a Ban on Breast Implants

CANOGA PARK, CA—I’m very surprised that, with the recent admission of several websites that video and subscription-service sales have gone down, no one has yet stated what appears to be obvious to me. The cause of all these problems are fake breast implants.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prowled the Internet for a new erotic adventure to enjoy, only to be taken in by misguided reviews declaring, “This bitch has perfect tits!” Perfect tits, I always think, stroking my soul-patch in deep contemplation. I have to see this. As soon as I click on the link, the cover photo or screenshot captures throw me into a fit of rage and disappointment. Of course they have perfect tits—they’re 100% fake.

Is fake perfect, though? I understand that some men prefer the firm, freakish grip of a perfect circle over the naturalism of something shocking like smallness, mild drooping, unusual sloping, asymmetrical nipples or any of the other “problems” medical science can cure. To many men, however, the fact that female breasts come in all sizes, shapes, colors and contain—gasp!—imperfections somehow makes them even more sexually attractive, like the lack of arms on the Venus de Milo or the crack on the Liberty Bell.

Let’s look at the facts. Although modern breast augmentation procedures have been performed for nearly 50 years now. Even by the 1960s, the procedures had improved significantly since Robert Gersuny’s 1889 experiments with paraffin-based implants, and they continue to improve even today. Plastic surgeons have it down to a science—but just because the implants are safe and affordable does not make them more aesthetically pleasing to the male eye.

Let’s look at more facts. During the mainstream heyday of hardcore pornography in the 1970s, low-budget/high-profit erotic explorations could have allowed for every major female sex start to undergo augmentation. Yet, it was only in the mid-’80s that producers began to feature stars with truly hideous, malformed implants. Why do you think that is? Because the filmmakers of the 1970s were artists. Like the artists of the Renaissance, who controlled everything about their works yet somehow managed to not clutter their nudes with comically disproportionate breasts, the ’70s auteurs understood that their films reflected a certain type of reality. If men wanted to indulge their fantasies of playing the well-endowed but hideously unattractive and hairy stud, the sexy ladies they ravaged in their fantasies had better reflect the reality of the women available to them. Despite what today’s entertainment would have us believe, it is still much more common to find a natural-breasted woman—warts and all (sometimes literally)—than it is to find someone with two perfectly round, perfectly formed freak-bags.

It has reached a point where I find myself distracted in films featuring larger breasted girls and women—distracted because I need to know whether or not what I’m seeing is truth or illusion, and to be honest, I’d rather view the terrifying antics of Sasha Grey than the acrobatic chicanery of Vanessa Lane.

So I’m back to the original point. The cause of all this unfortunate misery and grief in the industry is the industry epidemic of casting women with enormous implants. What’s especially sad is that it is the easiest thing in the world to change. Just find girls with real breasts and engage them in a contract that prevents them from augmenting their breasts in any surgical way.

In my opinion, the most realistic solution to the preventing future profit declinations in the industry is to Ban the Implants!


Stan McKagan

Sexual Velvet

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