Posts in: December 16th, 2005

Advice from the Door Security Guard

A few months ago, I had had a rotten Friday, followed by a rotten weekend, and I came to work Monday morning feeling and looking like hell. The morning door security guard is always of disturbingly sunny disposition. For awhile, I couldn’t figure out why he was so damn happy all the time, but I gradually started to realize that, in addition to having the dullest job in the universe (worse than mine, even!), a lot of the assholes who come in don’t even acknowledge his existence. So he gets excited when people like me—people who actually talk to him—get to work, which automatically puts him in a better mood.

On weekends, the morning guard videotapes weddings to make extra money. You learn this type of crazy information when you talk to the guards. Also, they tend to never check your bag at any point in time ever if they feel they can trust you. So, if you plan to steal from your place of business, be nice to all the security guards—it’ll pay off!

So on this Monday when I felt so shitty, the guard noticed, and as I attempted to make my way past him, he just started rambling:

“You know, one of the weddings I taped this weekend, the groom stood the bride up. I’ve been taping weddings for 22 years, and that’s the first time I’ve ever seen that happen. So, you know, you might have had a bad day, but it could be worse: you could be her.”

It was surprisingly insightful coming from a guy who, as far as I knew, was only interested in weather reports and the subtle and not-so-subtle differences in the array of new Dunkin’ Donuts flavored coffees. But more than that—it actually did make me feel better. Not in the “ha-ha” schadenfreude way commonly associated with me, but in that wake-up call “yeah, my life really doesn’t suck that much” kind of way.

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