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A Brief Example of Why I Don’t Like Any of My Friends

I’ve known Kelly since we were 12-years-old, but I didn’t really get to know her well until sophomore year of high school. We were in an awful play together, during which we spent the bulk of the time mocking everyone and everything around us while waiting to rehearse the combined total of five lines we had in the show. We’ve had ups and downs, friendship-wise, because sometimes she can be uniquely unpleasant.

Gradually, though, as she’s gone through college, she’s experienced more of the world, mellowed out a bit, and become an actual decent human being. Except when it comes to making plans.

Thursday morning, she IM-ed me to announce that she, at long last, had a break in her schedule, so she wanted to know if I wanted to have dinner with her when she got off work at 8:30. I haven’t seen her in months, so I agreed. I haven’t seen many people since I’ve come back to town, mostly because nobody I know—in the area, anyway—is a chronically unemployed fuck-up with a lot of free time; it’s hard to be worked into others’ busy schedules, and it gets tedious trying to make plans that inevitably get broken because something else comes up at the last minute.

So this was good: not only did I have plans—I had plans with somebody who sought me out first. I didn’t have to call her up and beg…

…did I?

The day stretched into evening, and eventually, I realized 8:30 had passed, so I decided to give Kelly a call and see if we were still on for the evening; it went to VoiceMail, so I muttered some profanities and thought, “She’s gonna blow me off. She’ll either just flat-out ignore me, or she’ll send me an IM to at least make a half-hearted effort. But she won’t call.”

When I checked my computer a few hours later, I had an IM waiting for me:

9:18:05 PM Kelly: hey, I saw you called…..I just got home from work and didn’t have my phone on me


She was still online, so I told her it was no biggie and maybe some other time.

“Sure,” Kelly said. “Hey, maybe we could have lunch tomorrow. I have a dentist appointment at 11, and then I have to work at two, but if I get done fast enough, we’d have enough time.”

“All right,” I said. “That sounds cool.”

Friday morning, I ran some errands, and when I got back home shortly after 11, I got on the computer (sigh) and saw Kelly sitting online.

“What happened to the dentist?” I asked, kind of irritated.

She explained she woke up really sick, and it was so bad she decided just to cancel her appointment and would probably call in sick from work. I automatically assumed lunch was off. She started rambling and implying she has this sinus thing that seems to be going around, so I was telling her about a really effective expectorant I found. Because I’m annoying and obnoxious, I would not shut up about this stuff (Mucinex, it’s called), so she finally said, “I have the flu. I can’t take anything for that.”


I wished her well and she signed off.

Saturday afternoon, she IM-ed me once again.

“Guess who I had dinner with last night,” she said.

I considered writing, “If it was anyone other than the toilet bowl, I’m going to be very upset.” Instead, I merely asked, “Who?”

A girl from high school who I didn’t much care about then and sure as hell don’t care about now. In typical Kelly fashion, she attempted to goad me into asking all sorts of questions about what, exactly, has caused this girl to become a major fuck-up; I didn’t let her, since I couldn’t even feign interest and was kinda pissed that she blew me off because she was so sick and went out to dinner with somebody who she, theoretically, didn’t know or like as well as me.

Later in the conversation, she informed me she was seriously considering driving down to Champaign-Urbana to visit some of her old friends and have some form of wild and crazy night. Gosh, sounds fun!

My response: “Gee, you should really be careful. I wouldn’t want you to have to keep pulling off to the side of the road to vomit since you’re SO SICK WITH THE FLU.”

“I was just dehydrated,” she explained.

Okay, that is a logical explanation as to why she’d feel inexplicably shitty for a little while and then get over it. Still, Kelly has a pretty extensive history of making shit up out of thin air for no real reason. I’ll never really understand why she’d go so far as to seek me out to make plans, then blow me off for no reason and stall for the next few days until finally I give up. I give up quickly because she’s the one who instigates it. If she doesn’t want to see me, why the fuck would I waste my time continually trying to hunt her down?

And, if you’ll allow me to get even whinier and bitchier for a moment, she reached new heights of obnoxiousness when she not only repeated this exciting cycle of faux-get-togethers, but she decided it would be a really great idea to tell me about all the other plans she had made instead of going out with me. I hate to sound so bitter, but when it’s something that’s happened at least a dozen times three or four years, it gets a little tiresome.

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