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Things I Learn While Shopping at the Grocery Store: An Ongoing Struggle

Lo, these past 23 years, I’ve not had much use for the grocery store, mainly because my mom would go shopping for me. On rare occasions when I would go, I would attempt to grab every delicious, sugar-filled snack in the store. In fact, I still do, which is why I have a jumbo-pack of Pringles, York Peppermint Patty cookies, Oreos, and some bricks of sharp cheddar. Sigh, I will be a fatty fat fat fat yet again…

At any rate, this morning I went to the grocery store to stock up on things I never thought I’d need, like napkins. Unlike last week, when I forgot half a dozen items I wanted, this time I made a list, and as I searched for the items I made some interesting discoveries.

  • Nail clippers are not anywhere to be found in the men’s toiletries section. They have the scary little scissors, but if you want actual nail-clippers, you have to look by the nail polish and hair dye. (Ironic sidenote: I tried to use the big, powerful toenail clippers, and after a few unsuccessful attempts to clip off my big toenail, it finally…broke into a million pieces. Clearly it was designed for tiny femme toenails.)
  • Plastic lunchbags are right next to garbage bags, but napkins and paper towels are three aisles apart. Hrm.
  • It’s very difficult to find bona fide Tylenol amid the thousands of different kinds of Tylenol available now. They have Tylenol for allergies, for God’s sake!
  • Mayonnaise/Miracle Whip is not easy to find. It’s with the salad dressing, because apparently some people think it is salad dressing. Crazy!
  • 1/8 cup = 1 ounce (I found a coffee scoop!)
  • Every other aisle has some sort of candy or potato chip item for impulse buyers. Needless to say, I won’t need to buy any more candy or potato chips until August 2008.
  • It only takes 10 minutes to buy everything you need when you’re single and prefer making sandwiches over cooking. I tried to time it so I could shoot straight over to Circuit City a little after it opens (at 11), but I failed. (Ironic aftermath: the Circuit City website says the nearest store opens at 11, but when I got there, I discovered it actually opens at 10. The bastards are always one step ahead of me! It evened out, though, because when I arrived at 10:47, I ended up waiting at least 15 minutes for one of the dumbshit, thumb-up-their-ass “customer service” clerks to do my return. Fucking Circuit City dipshits. I should’ve gone to Fry’s!)

These are all the observations I could muster this week. Jerry Seinfeld I ain’t.

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