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Classy Week of Fun

I started out Monday night writing a really long entry about how shitty my Monday was. But I didn’t finish it. I continued to write it through Tuesday, but it was (1) really fucking long, (2) really fucking boring, and (3) I kept digressing to the point that the whole “bad day” theme was sort of ruined.

So just take my word for it: Monday was the worst day I have had in quite a long time. Tuesday wasn’t much better, but Wednesday turned out fairly all right. I had lunch with The Girl On Whom I Have an Enormous Crush But Am Too Much of a Pussy to Actually Ask Out Despite the Fact that She Has Clearly Been Sending Me Signs (hereafter, The Crush). That’s right: I strapped on a pair of artificial testicles and actually convinced her to go to lunch with me—strictly a friendly thing, of course, so we’d have time to talk and I could really gauge whether or not asking her out was a good idea.

It turned out to not be a good idea. Apparently she has a boyfriend that she doesn’t feel the need to mention to casual acquaintances, but once you breach the acquaintance hull (man, sci-fi metaphors are sad—and no, I obviously was not referring to a seafaring vessel of any kind) and become a genu-wine friend, she talks about him nonstop. Which is cool and stuff, except for the whole part about how she has a boyfriend.

On the one hand, it’s cool that I didn’t thoroughly humiliate myself by just arbitrarily asking her out one day after class, but on the other hand, what the fuck? Why was she all but dry-humping me during class if she had a boyfriend? I know I’m not totally crazy in this case. There have been occasions where I have been batshit insane with the idea that some girl is sending me these tremendous waves of hot love, but I’ve figured out how to differentiate between the crazy “Man, I want that girl so I’ll pretend she wants me, too” signs from the actual, legitimate signs. This was a case of legitimacy.

So what is the deal? Does she just want to torture me? The answer, clearly, is yes. I realized when we had lunch, and I had adequate time to take in her appearance, her mannerisms, her speech, and so forth, and she reminds me so much of somebody I used to date who, for the purposes of me not getting my ass kicked by her, shall remain anonymous. And the person she reminds me of is definitely the type to either (1) cheat on her boyfriend with anybody living and/or human, (2) attempt to ruin somebody’s life by giving minor signs that she is interested in a romantic relationship, only to turn all that around and throw it back in the guy’s face like a sack full of steaming shit, or (3) unconscionably string as many guys along as she possibly can, so in the event that her current relationship fails, she will have roughly a dozen to choose from.

But the funny thing is that The Crush reminds me of The Other Girl in purely superficial ways—she looks like her, talks like her, moves like her. The only difference is that she’s not completely nuts (as far as I can tell). So what is the deal? I’m not sure. Even after she made roughly 1400 (okay, it was more like three) references to her boyfriend, The Girl still seemed like she was interested in me. And I’m really not that interesting.

So, for now, I’ll play it by ear. I’m not exactly a particularly noble or moral person when it comes to romance, so if she wants to cheat on her boyfriend with me, I will have no real objection unless he finds out and decides I need some whup-ass (in which case, I have devloped an all-purpose contingency plan that involves leaving the country for six years and working in Toronto under an assumed name and with a realistic-looking fake mustache). Moreover, if I can goad her into realizing how pitiful her relationship actually is and then woo her over to my side of the court, I won’t be all that guilty.

I think you reach a turning point when you try to split up a married couple* where scrupulous behavior no longer applies.

*And, dammit, that almost worked. [Back]

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