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Dannii Minogue Needs to Be Worshipped as a Goddess

So Dannii Minogue, the terrifying Australian who sings shitty pop songs, has a new album on the horizon. While it’s true that her music is terrible, a new song from her album is called “Vibe On,” and—you guessed it—it’s an ode to vibrators. I don’t think any non-funk group has written an ode to vibrators since Prince’s nine-minute epic on the subject, so I think it’s high time for another tribute. Here are the lyrics (I swear I am not making this up):

Instead of just lying there,
Why don’t you show me that you’re powerful,
Put in triple X batteries just so you give me something wonderful,
Change it up fast and slow
Till I find the frequency I like.
Love it when you do my vibe on
Good vibrations, that’s what gets my ride on, gotta have vibrations,
Jump on to it, sit right on it, plug it in, give me my vibe on, gotta have vibrations.
I don’t want to put you down, looks like I’m a vibraholic now.

A vibraholic. Holy shit, that is great. “Triple X batteries” is my favorite part, I think. But my God, is that not the funniest damn thing a pop singer has produced since Crossroads (which was only unintentionally hilarious).

I’m generally not much interested in pop music, but I will be buying Neon Nights, Dannii Minogue’s new album, as soon as it comes out.

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