Posts in: February 23rd, 2003

The Time Machine (2002)

When The Time Machine ended and the credits began to roll, the first thing my mother said was, “Well, that was stupid.” My thoughts were echoing the sentiment. It started out so well, but somewhere near the 20-minute mark it delved into stupidity and never recovered.

For a movie that starts out as well as The Time Machine does, what the fuck happened? How did it get from point A (promising) to point B (terrible) in six seconds flat? I think it was right about the time when Alexander Hartdegen (Guy Pearce), a reasonably logical guy, says to himself, “In order to understand why I cannot change the past, I must go to the future.” Huh?

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My new homepage is up at long last. Check it out, and then feel sorry enough for me to e-mail me money.

I burned my mouth on some hot coffee Thursday. My entire tongue and hard palate have stung like fucking bitches since, but when I woke up today, the pain had pretty much subsided. Now it only hurts—and not much—when I eat.

Note to readers: when you take a gulp full of hot coffee, do not keep it in your mouth and attempt to swallow it. That only makes things worse. What you should do, no matter the social circumstances, is SPIT IT THE FUCK OUT. Heed my advice.

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My Movie Reviews

A few people have been asking me—which is to say, one person just asked me—why I review so few new movies, since I’ve hesitantly admitted to seeing many of the recent releases. So here I am with my answer: because I don’t.

More specifically, it comes down to what I have to say about a movie. I find that in a lot of cases—as with Daredevil, The Two Towers, and About Schmidt—I have little to say beyond “I liked it.” Of course, I can get long-winded about it, but what’s the point? I read what a lot of critics say, and unless I’m saying something overwhelmingly different, I won’t write up a review. It’s pointless.

The same goes for movies I don’t like. I hated Chicago and Star Trek: Rollerball, but any “in-depth analysis” I’d provide would be little more than cheesy flames, and if I wanted to write cheesy flames, I’d spend more time on the comments section of Slashdot.

So, that’s the rule: if I have something that I think is interesting to say, or if I have something interesting to say that hasn’t been said, I’ll write it down. If not, there’s no point, so I won’t.

There, happy now? Good. Now fuck off.

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