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The Hot-Ass Financial Chick Brigade

I can’t watch television news anymore. Not because of blandness or bias or anything like that—because the women (it’s always women) who do those financial reports are just too hot. They make my heart and my loins ache with desire, affecting me down in my most secret of places, and it’s just unacceptable.

But what I don’t understand is why news stations only employ the finest bevy of babes to do these financial reports. Actually, I understand it in the current economic climate—who better to soften the blow (no pun(s) intended) that basically your entire investment is worth 4¢ and a stick of DoubleMint gum than a fine-ass woman?

What about when the economy’s good? Well…I guess even that makes sense. It’s like celebrating good fortune, with some hot chick giving you the news. Like sailors coming back from WWII and going through the ticker-tape parades and just planting hot smootchies on whatever attractive woman is standing around. What better way to find out you’re wealthy than to have the news passed on by a girl whose face and body you would lick if it wasn’t standing on the floor of the NYSE?

Or maybe I’m the only one who’s attracted to them. I—usually—dig the smart women. The complete package: smart and hot. And, really, this is a lesson for the ladies who read my blog (you hear me, Jeff? ): I only care about how smart and how physically attractive you are. Anything else is just extra. Sense of humor, ability to do mental math and/or fill out income tax forms, dominatrix fetishes…it’s like buying a Cadillac, but they throw in a free CD player. The Cadillac is fine on its own, but the CD player is the icing on the cake.

Was that a mixed metaphor?

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