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I Need a T-Shirt that Says “YOU ARE LOOKING AT AN IDIOT”

I got my Juliana Hatfield t-shirt today, so now I can be the envy of my friend.

Also, I got some ph@t birthday c@$h today and decided to make some f00lish impulse purchases—a Sony Playstation 2 with Grand Theft Auto: Vice City and Kingdom Hearts.

And then all my friends on 8bop reminded me that Amazon.com is having a deal this week—buy two PS2 games, get one free. And I forgot about it and didn’t take advantage of the deal, and since my order went into shipping almost immediately, I didn’t have a chance to cancel or add anything to it. So now I’m fucked up the goat ass.

I fired off a politely worded e-mail to Amazon, explaining the nature of their promotion and the nature of my predicament. Hopefully they’ll let me slide with an extra game (I’m thinking Tony Hawk 4 or FFX…but I haven’t decided yet), but I’m thinking they’re gonna e-mail me back and be like, “Jesus, you’re a goddamn idiot. Get a fucking life. Here, we’ll cancel your order and use the money to send you a plane ticket as far away from Loserville as $314.94 can take you.”

And then I’ll have to retort, “Hey, just because my life is a trainwreck of failure and wasted lies”—and, yes, I stole that line from Something Awful—“doesn’t mean you have the right to mock me. I mean, just because I have no friends and am too unstable to actually stay in a relationship for more than 15 minutes, and ironically I found a girl who is exactly the same way, so we’re having fun not actually having a relationship—where do you get off? Just because I love video games and movies and TV and books because I’m too unmotivated/cheap/fat to actually leave the house without being dragged by a young lady who looks like Snow White from hell, is that any reason for you to insult me and deprive me of the free game I so achingly desire?”

To which they will respond, “Yes.”

And I’ll have absolutely no comeback.

Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that.

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